I talk a lot about expectation and pressure. For me, most of the binding forces in my life are related to these concepts: expectation and pressure. I rarely describe these phenomena, though. In the attempt to do so, please note that many, many references will be made to the movie "Goodwill Hunting," as this is the best portrayal of a gifted underachiever that has yet been made (to my knowledge).
Society's Expectations of the Gifted
Before I sound arrogant, let me make clear that I am "gifted". The word implies many things, but it does not imply that I am better than anyone else. Just like some people are good at sports, and others at sewing, I'm good at understanding. That's all. I didn't ask for it, and I didn't do anything to deserve it. I do work on it, but I am compelled to do so (we'll save that for a different post). I was "given" this, by fate, chance, or some Higher Power, whatever you believe in. Intelligence is considered a "good" thing. Were I gifted in, say, stealing, we wouldn't call it "gifted", we'd use the word "cursed" (the less emotional may use the words "aptitude" or describe someone as "skilled" or "adept").
So far, we have uncovered our first expectation/pressure: Intelligence is supposed to be a good thing.
It isn't. Many serial killers (if not all--I'd have to look that up) are intelligent. The Mad Scientist and Evil Mastermind show us archetypes of intelligence gone bad. Where would we be without Doyle's Dr. Moriarty or Weiss's Raistlin? But generally we assume that smart people are meant to do good things with their smarts.
In our capitalist society, we have a hard time with gifts. Generally, when we receive a gift, we feel we owe someone a gift in return at some point. After all, that's only fair. So the second expectation/pressure is that gifted people "owe" fate, chance, or the Higher Power, or even society at large, for this gift.
In "Goodwill Hunting", Will says, "I know, I owe it to myself--" and his friend steps in: "You don't owe it to yourself, you owe it to me...because you're sitting on a winning lottery ticket, but you don't have the balls to cash it in."
Expectation/pressure: Intelligence = success, or intelligence is inherently good.
Expectation/pressure: Intelligence is void if it is idle/unrecognized.
But we can throw civilization (which is the effect of social expectation in maintaining social structure) to the wind, and we still have an array of personal expectations that each individual carries:
The Role of Social Pressure
I don't like to wear underwear. Many people don't, but they also don't really talk about it. So, an example of social pressure is that everyone is supposed to wear underwear, regardless of the simple fact that women's bodies are healthier if they don't (lower incidence of yeast infection in non-underwear wearers). I also, however, like to wear skirts, and I am not above wearing skirts without underwear "they way the ocean is not above the sky" (to quote Hitchhiker's Guide). My husband is aware of this, and is not particularly fond of it (because good girls wear underwear).
So now, when I wear a skirt, what else to I wear? You guessed it: underwear. Did he order me to wear underwear? No. But he complained about it so much, and made it so unpleasant for me, that I began to anticipate his reaction and simply change my behavior (not without a good deal of resentment).
The same methodology applies for girl's nights out. My husband gives me such a hard time about it before I go and after I come back, and calls me so often while I'm out, that the whole experience becomes one I'd rather avoid and I simply don't go out except in emergency (and we all know what an emergency-night-out is like: rowdy drinking and pain in the morning).
If you talk with a depressed person, you will hear many of these pressures illuminated: "I can't go out because my husband is mean." "I can't read a book because the kids need me." They don't seem to make sense, but there is a logic behind them. There are unacceptable consequences that are related to the end result. "I can't go out because my husband gives me a hard time. He gives me a hard time because he's mean (he hates me)." One big difference between the depressed and the non-depressed is a matter of realizing one can choose to buck the system, or feeling like one simply can't.
Gifted people also discuss these pressures. Many gifted children pretend not to be gifted so they "fit in" with other students. Many gifted children see the expectations around them, and then do precisely the opposite. In "Goodwill Hunting", Will discusses his father's abuse: "He used to just put a belt, a stick, and a wrench on the kitchen table and say, "Choose." "
His therapist says, "Well, I gotta go with the belt there."
and Will says, "I used to go with the wrench."
"Why?"
"'Cause fuck him, that's why." Which is indicative of his response to all the social pressures on his intelligence. Fuck you for trying to live your life and your expectations through me. This is my life.
Take this stance as opposed to his therapist, Sean, who was also gifted, and instead withdrew from everyone around him. His story is best described in his line, "That's why I don't come to the goddamned reunions, 'cause I can't stand that look in your eye. Ya know, that condescending, embarrassed look. You think I'm a failure. I know who I am, and I'm proud of what I do. I was a conscious choice, I didn't fuck up! And you and your cronies think I'm some sort of pity case."
Most of us obey or crack under social pressures. My question to you is: which are you going to do? It's a question I've been pondering for myself. Do we live up to expectation, do we ignore expectation? Do we run, or do we embrace, or do we actively destroy?
Why can't we just ignore? In a mindful way, can we just say to ourselves, "yes, I see your expectation for me, but I will choose for myself and and the people for whom I am responsible when I choose"?
Perhaps this should be more my goal. Identify the expectations, and then choose for myself and my wards.
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