On Adjustment Disorder

"The Guild Navigators, gifted with limited prescience, had made the fatal decision: they'd chosen always the clear, safe course that leads ever downward to stagnation." Paul Muad'Dib, Dune, by Frank Herbert.

I was just diagnosed with an adjustment disorder by my therapist. According to the Mayo Clinic, my life has included a series of episodes of Adjustment disorder, which is strange for someone who thrives on change and new projects. Had I ever looked at the symptoms, I would have seen this episode over and over in my life: Difficulty concentrating, feeling overwhelmed, desperation, anxiety, thoughts of suicide, hopelessness, lack of enjoyment, fighting, reckless driving, ignoring bills, avoiding family and friends, skipping school, poor school or work performance, abuse of alcohol or drugs, engaging in violence or high-risk activities.

Today was, by the way, my last therapy appointment before. She agreed I do have a sex addiction, but her belief (and mine) is that, since I know how to handle addictions, I just handle this one like all the others I've beaten over time. It simply requires Herculean diligence and self control. I can handle that.

The biggest issue is the adjustment disorder and the accompanying depression, which I also have experience beating. She is confident in my ability to heal myself. I am glad, though, to have a diagnosis I've never had before, and for the Eureka! moment of looking at the symptoms and seeing my life laid out, like a tunnel of mirrors, reflecting this same behavior pattern over and over.

Wow. I need to chew on this. In the meantime, enjoy some light music. (Hitchhiker's Guide, for those of you now shaking your speakers looking for the light music).

Oh, and another thing: Today, in a meeting, I beamed at someone, just because I was happy and wanted to share it. I was playful again. And you know what? I had forgotten what it felt like to want to smile at someone, and to feel playful. I was actually surprised by it, and realized I'd like to have more moments like that. A lot more.