I have been with my husband for ten years; married for six, and I still can't decide if the relationship is abusive and, if it is, who exactly is doing the abusing.
I know it hurts.
I know I feel coerced and depressed and trapped.
I also know that I enable him in some ways, that instead of standing up for myself, I do what he wants me to do and then resent it.
I obviously have some issues with victim-blame, or else I wouldn't feel so darn yucky about applying the label to myself. I think, "how could *I*, with all my smarts/observational skills/whatever fall into an abusive relationship?" As if it wasn't true that anyone could and most people do at some point.
I obviously believe him when he says that this or that behavior of mine means I don't care about him. I obviously believe that I cannot do everything myself, and I must settle for this and for that in order to receive the help I need.
Let me make this clear that, as a Domestic Violence crisis counselor, I do not believe it is the victim's fault, ever. But we all have some personal power, and with that power we can choose to stay or choose to go. We can choose to strive for health, both mental or physical, or we can choose other things. We are not responsible for the reactions of others, but we can choose how we respond to stimuli.
And I believe this for myself.
But still it comes down to: We both manipulate the other. We both do things we think is for the other person, but without that person's input. We both tailor our behavior to some extent to avoid the impact of a negative reaction to the spouse, instead of tailoring our behavior because we love the spouse.
I keep the money, but I feel pressured to spend money on things he wants. I pay the bills. In a lot of ways, I have a lot of control, but really he has it. Does that make any sense?
It's like this:
Say it's a hot day, and Pepsi sounds like a good idea. So instead of saying, "hey, babe, would you go to the store and get a Pepsi?" he says, "Man, an ice cold, frosty Pepsi would feel so good right about now. I wish I had an ice-cold Pepsi in my hand. Ahh."
Irritating, but not abusive, right?
Now take it the other way. Say my friend asks me to the movies.
BeneJennerit: Cindy wanted to know if I can go to the movies tonight (I've learned I have to ask permission)
Babe: Which movie?
BJ: Eclipse
Babe(accusatory tone): Who else is going?
BJ: Maybe her bf, maybe just us.
Babe: And what are you going to do after?
BJ: Come home...?
Babe: you guys aren't going to get something to eat?
BJ: I don't know, maybe.
Babe: Well, I need to know these things. If I think you're going to be back home at 9:30, and you're still not home by 10:00, I'm going to be all worried. Don't you care about me? Don't you worry if I'm out late? It's common courtesy to call and tell someone you're going to be out late.
BJ: OK, we won't go out to eat. I'll tell her I have to come right home after the movie.
Babe: Great, and she's going to think I'm a jerk. You know, you've been away from home all week. Don't you want to spend time with the family at all? The people who love you? Don't you want to see your children?
BJ: I haven't gone out with friends in two months, what are you talking about?
Babe: Yeah, well you were on call last weekend, and when you get home you just watch TV until it's time to go to bed.
BJ: I don't just watch TV. And when I do it's because *you* asked me to.
BAbe: Go out with your friends. It's obvious you don't want to spend time with me. You can't even be bothered to hang out with me and watch some TV. Whatever.
After a while, do you think I'm going to want to go out anymore?
Is this abusive?
This is what I have to figure out, and then act upon.
See the Next Step
Reflection:
It's several months later, and I have learned some things. Despite all of my training on Domestic violence, it was hard to see it in my own marriage. To see the abuse, I had to realize that *I* had been caught in it, and I didn't want to think I could be caught in it. That is a type of victim blame: it can't happen to me, because it happens to people who have something wrong with them.
Well, it happens to anybody. Rich, poor, smart, dumb, redhead, blonde, or brunette.
It happens all the time, every day, in every culture.
It happens.
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